It was a Thursday morning small group bible study, and I sat silent, struggling with whether to share or not share about a closed door topic — Our sins.
Cutting and thoughts of suicide.
These are not exactly Bible study fare, though these were the “sins” that kept coming to mind during this particular study lesson that kept asking me to think about mine.
And no matter how open the group purported to be, no matter how “safe” the group covenant we had all signed off on was supposed to make us feel, I felt I couldn’t, shouldn’t, share mine.
I simply didn’t trust myself to do it without scaring everyone. I didn’t trust that they would really be able to handle it.
So I just listened and paid attention to how others found ways to “say” without really “saying” what their sins were. All the while waiting for the bold and bare, white-knuckled authenticity of others to show up, grab me by my scruff, and pull me out of my silence. All the while wishing I could find a way to share what I had discovered . . .
Without sharing the gory story behind it.
The last time I cut, I knew I was doing wrong. But I felt so bad inside I couldn’t, wouldn’t, stop myself.
Because of all I’d been learning, I knew God was with me, ever-present thing that He is. And I hesitated a bit, feeling a little trapped between what I felt compelled to do and what I knew full well God and others had been working to lead me away from.
In the past, I would have blocked all thought of Him and anyone else and just done it, like a drug addict getting a fix, all methodical-like. But instead, I left the door open, so to speak, trusting that He knew how bad I felt. God knew how bad I felt.
This time, I let myself trust Him enough to — yes, I realize the child-like ridiculousness of this, but — let Him see.
I knew it was not what He wanted for me. I knew that. But rather than shutting Him out and bolting the door, I was trusting He understood the depths of my dilemma and devastation enough that He would not have any thunderbolts for me. I was trusting Him enough to not foolishly try to hide what He was already fully in on. I was trusting He was understanding and was going to love me through it and on the other side of it. Love me anyway.
We were both in agreement: It was wrong, or at least not the best thing for me. And we both wanted me to get better enough that I wouldn’t come back to this sin again and again.
I just couldn’t do it this time.
I cut.
But here is the miracle.
Robbed of its secrecy and some of its shame too also somehow robbed the act of some of the self-contempt that drove it. In other words, my heart wasn’t entirely in it.
How is that?
Maybe it was because I felt God loving me anyway and having more grace for me than I was currently having for myself. I don’t know. But by this Bible study session, a little more than a month had passed, and I hadn’t done it again.
Clearly, I was learning.
I was learning that it was going to be better for me and get me where I wanted someday to be if was kinder to myself and had the same grace for myself that God has for me.
I was learning that God is with us even in our darkest sins, whether we acknowledge Him there or want Him there or not. But it’s better for our relationship with Him, and our own hearts and minds, if we just go ahead and acknowledge that He is and let Him. Otherwise, we just deceive ourselves, foolishly shutting and bolting the door on a God who’s already there in the room with us — His heart, His grace, already in there with us.
I don’t regret leaving that door open that day, nor letting God open a few more down the hall. I sat silently through that Bible study session, but I did eventually open up to those sweet ladies. Listening to others share and being able to share with such safe people helped, even though it was hard and heart-wrenching, and even though it uncovered things I thought would never see the light of day nor believed should.
The more layers of secrecy God pulls off and away from us, the more it seems we struggle for some other covering. Disappearing and even death have always been big ones in my most desperate moments. Avoidance, hiding, and depression in still other desperate-but-a-little-less-so moments.
But the Lord, Open Door, Light, and Salvation as He is, does not leave us exposed nor comfortless. His grace covers us. And His grace, I’ve found, is a much warmer, much more comforting covering.
Better by far than my own dead-bolted doors and thread-bare blankets.
Photo Credits:
Brittany Smith – Alone In A Crowded Room
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I believe I had this exact moment last Wednesday night when I held the pills in my hand. Hating myself, hating that is just hurt the person I love the most in this world and being so lost I saw no other choice. Then something stopped me and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be so selfish to not stay and own up to what I’d done. Now I live with the silence until I’m forgiven but I’m ok with it- gives me time to keep forgiving myself and healing the damage I caused myself in that moment of darkness.
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Those black pixies are the worst. Convincing yourself the world is better off without you. That the only one you can lash out at is yourself. God and His Word say different. David did a lot of ranting. Didn’t faze God a bit. God’s grace is so big even if someone else’s isn’t. He’s a good place to rest as you deal up and heal up. Praying for you, Woman.
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Sharing your story will aid in keeping the door open for many others. Praying that those searching for grace find this place.
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I truly hope so, Robin. That is the best redemption I can imagine.
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Dear Laura,
I shared this one on my timeline. It needs to be read and read and read some more.
I wrote a poem called, Cover Me Up, about being naked and vulnerable, exposed. This is the first time I have ever thought of GRACE as the perfect cover. Thank you.
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Thank you, Candace. Hopefully it helps a few others to open their doors and let God see. God’s grace is big. And fluffy.
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This is absolutely wonderful! This is the kind of message that the world needs to hear, the kind of message that truly sets someone free. This grace is big, WOW. This reminds me of the Mercy Seat. There were limitations to the dimensions of the Mercy Seat like absolute length and breadth. But we are told nothing about the thickness of the Mercy Seat. Which tells us that the Grace of God is; yes BIG and limitless. The thickness of His grace cannot be measured!! Thanks, I loved this article God bless you!
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Wow. Thank you, Elenah. Yes, God’s grace is big. Bigger even than we want it to be.
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Wow! Thank you! I’m speechless. You are a very powerful vessel for God’s truth, love, and mercy. I know your courage, honesty, and willingness could not have come easily, but it shows how strong you grow my are. My point is that it is never easy to make oneself so vulnerable even when it is necessary in order to allow the Holy Spirit to speak truth through you and I do believe your words came directly from Him. It is so vital to have “real Christians” speaking up rather than “church face Christians” if that makes sense.
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Thank you, Anna. No, it’s not easy. There are always some who think dirty laundry should be quietly washed and folded and put away, not put on display. But my nearest and dearest, closest and bestest friends are the ones who can come over with no make-up and no shower, clear a spot on my laundry-filled couch and either happily ignore it with me or help me fold. Family and friends like this make me feel loved, accepted, and understood, holey underwear and all. Christians or not, we can all do a better job of loving and accepting each other and helping each other match up our mixed baskets of socks.
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Just Beautiful!! I love the part about “this time, I left the door wide open for God to see”.
Isn’t it funny how we do that? For some reason we believe that our worst sins somehow are hidden from God!
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“Isn’t it funny how we do that? For some reason we believe that our worst sins somehow are hidden from God!” I know! Right? 😉 Thanks for the comment, Susan. 🙂 ((hugs))
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So much to hear in this…. I’m listening too. I needed to hear this myself…at 65 y.o still healing…..it’s a process for sure… thank you for you openness.
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It sure is, Gloria. A lifetime one at that. And one He is fully in on. 🙂 Thank you for your comment.
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I find that what frees me is the knowledge that God refuses to look at my sins. He chooses only to look at me with hilarious love in his eyes. Sin seems to lose its power over me when I remind myself that it is already dealt with and I am in full loving union through Christ no matter what I feel, do or say. I am transformed by the renewing of my mind. My mind is the real battlefield not my sins.
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I think He looks straight through all of it and sees me, sees us all. And, yes, with “hilarious love in his eyes.” 🙂 Renewing, refreshing, repenting — they’re all a returning of our mind, our hearts, our eyes to Jesus. Thank you for your words, Paul. Always thoughtful and spot on. <3
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This is raw, brave, and so beautiful.